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Disclaimer: Iím not making any Galleons by writing this, so I hope Jo allows me to indulge in a bit of fun. Prompt information at the end. Thanks to my lovely beta, ladyinthecloak.
22 June 1998
I hate having to keep a journal. How dare the Ministry think they know whatís best to ďrehabilitateĒ me? A journal? Itís demeaning. And if a week passes that Iíve not written a ďsizableĒ journal entry, I shall have to go in for counseling instead? Five years of this? Itís ridiculous.
Still. Things could be worse. I could be tossed back into Azkaban. Thank Merlin Cissy seized that opportunity to help Potter. If it werenít for that, I might be there again. So, yes, I shall grudgingly keep a journal, but that does not mean I have to like it or that I approve of it.
What shall I start off with? I suppose I should mention that today was the longest Monday of my life. The trial ended early this morning, but I was kept alone in a chamber to await the Wizengamotís decisionówhich took hours.
Potter testified that Iíd not raised a wand at the battle, and he told all about Cissyís deed. He even mentioned that Draco seemed reluctant to identify them when caught. However, that did nothing to keep me from imagining the horror awaiting me with their decision.
To my surprise, I am under house arrest for six months, have to pay a sizable fine, which shall go towards Hogwartsí rebuilding, and have to keep this journal for five years.
What I donít like is that a court appointed liaison shall have access to my entries and will check that I am doing as instructed whenever he or she pleases! Nor do I appreciate the spell placed on this journal that disallows me to write anything false! This same liaison will meet with me monthly for a ďchatĒ on how lifeís going.
Iím angry. Iím indignant. Iím a Malfoy. I donít like being told what to do or when to do it. My word should be good enoughóas long as I take a Wizardís Oath with it. That should do.
I do not plan to
29 June 1998
Imagine my surprise when I heard something buzzing and looked around to see that it was this journal. So, theyíve got it charmed to vibrate and buzz when my weekly deadline is nearly up. Thatís good to know. What would happen if my deadline passed? Would it turn into an Auror and cart me off?
What shall I divulge, hmm?
Ah, I know. I allowed Cissy to have a shopping spree. She feels the need to get new things since sheís being seen as a heroine of sorts for helping out Potter. I must admit that I am annoyed with the attention sheís getting. Canít the public leave us alone? And why canít she wear one of the hundreds of robes she has in her wardrobes that have never been worn?
It makes no sense.
Not one owl was sent this week with a request to visit, nor any invites for tea. The public is not aware that Iím under house arrest, so thatís not an excuse. All of these invitations have been sent to Narcissa. I suppose I should be thankful to have the lot of them mention me as an afterthought and extend an invite to me that way. Itís as though Iím a pariah. Do these people not realize how many of my Galleons are going towards the rebuilding effort? Do they not know the sacrifices I have made? I would refuse to go if I were able of courseóitís the principle of itóthough I insist that Draco join her.
I wonder what someone would do if it were known that to not do someoneís bidding would mean the death of his family? I could not allow it. Ever. Draco means far too much to meÖ as does Cissy.
What would you do, pesky Ministry liaison, if you were told that your wife would be murdered before your eyes if you didnít put the Imperius on someone?
5 July 1998
I know I am a day early, but I feel the need to vent my frustration. Iíve just been informed via owl that I should be certain to be home tomorrow, as the Wizengamotís liaison will be stopping by at some point for our first appointment.
No specific time was given!
ďBe home between the hours of eight oíclock and five oíclock.Ē
Iím under house arrest. Where do they expect me to be?
Am I supposed to be at this personís beck and call all the time? Thatís preposterous! I had plans tomorrow, as an owl finally came for me with an invite to tea. I was to meet with someone very influential at the Ministry, someone Iíve had ties with in the past. I replied and asked him to join me in my home instead (not divulging that I am not allowed to leave my grounds).
And now I have to rudely cancel. What will Doddhopper think of me now? (Damn it! I didnít mean to spell out his name!) Will he spread the word that Iíve broken a meeting? If so, will my other associates think Iíve decided against renewing friendships?
I have a mind to let him come anyway. Itís not likely the liaison will just happen to come at tea time. Surely he has a life. If it werenít for a possibly humiliating run-in, I certainly would. How would it look to have someone from the Ministry see me kowtowing to one of his colleagues?
Hang on. How is it that others at the Ministry donít know of my situation? Why would Doddhopper have invited me to tea in the first place if he knew I was under house arrest? I simply assumed he didnít know, but surely he must. Had he hoped to keep up the pretense of friendship by inviting me out, knowing I couldnít go?
Thatís something to ponder.
6 July 1998
To borrow from Severusí interesting vocabularyóUNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!
Do you know what showed up at my home today?
An eighteen-year-old girl.
I need a
And something to smoke.
12 July 1998
I am finally able to sit down and write something. This past week has been quite dreadful. Narcissa has gone to France for a holiday with her blood traitor sister and the womanís changeling grandson. I wonder why Cissy is so intent on reacquainting with Andromeda after all these years? I think sheís taking this ďnew leafĒ thing too far.
The Malfoy family has always wanted respect, and in fact, we feel it is entitled, but Narcissa is going too far these days. Hosting luncheons with people whoíve never set foot in our manor before? Going out to help those still begging on Diagon Alley?
I can commiserate with him. Itís probably his mother whoís confusing him. I shall have a long talk with my dear wife upon her return.
Now to discuss what happened last week when my court-appointed liaison visited.
Could they find no better intermediary?
Sheís not even taken her NEWTs, yet theyíve already offered her a job at the Ministry? Theyíre just giving the bloody jobs away these days! It makes no sense! And THIS is her job no less? Iíve never liked this girl. Draco told me too many things about her that I extremely dislike. Yet here she is, barging into my home, privy to my private thoughts.
I will never accept this.
Oh, Iíll bide my time, write in my pathetic journal and meet with her, but Iíll not lift a finger to do anything more (like making her feel welcome in my home).
That reminds me. Bozzy still needs to scrub my office again. Iím sure that the first dozen cleanings were not enough.
Itís better to be safe than sorry.
And for her to pretend as though Iím anything less than what I amóa Malfoy, a pureblood, her superior in all ways! Most women are in awe of me, especially when we are alone. This bint had the nerve to look down her nose at me and to patronize me as if I were some misguided first-year student at Hogwarts.
Iíll not have it.
And if you are reading this, it serves you right to see yourself as you are in my eyes. Nothing. Filth. A meddling girl who has no right to be given such a job without credentials.
I had to
20 July 1998
I have just returned home from a night at the Ministry. I must admit the chamber I had to sleep in was much more comfortable than any Iíve had the
Narcissa is now home and is disgruntled that she had to return home early. When sheíd decided to extend her stay, I have no idea, for she hadnít sent an owl to inform me. Itís been nearly two months since the fall of the Dark Lord, and in those two months so much has changed.
Am I the bitter man she claims me to be? Am I ungrateful for all that sheís doing? I laughed in her face when she said this.
Yes, indeed, our row was spectacular. I wonder if her horrid sister hasnít influenced her. She gushed about the little brat afterwardósays heís just like her niece had been, a Metamorphmagus. Grand. Next Iíll be seeing a photo in the Prophet with Cissy holding the child as her sister looks on fondly.
Iím sure Granger would approve, the harpy.
It seems all women are not to be tolerated be they purebloods or Mudbloods.
25 July 1998
Draco returned home today. He seems to be in better spirits. Iím happy about this. Itís been a long time since Iíve seen that type of smile on his face. Too many years.
30 July 1998
Iíve had another owl from Granger. She says that I can expect her in my home on the third. Iíve replied to tell her that I insist that she gives me a particular time, but Iíve not heard anything yet. But I expect she will send something soon.
Narcissa has decided to stay with her sister for a few days to look after ďdear little Teddy,Ē and she wants Draco to join her as well, feeling it would be good to have him mingle with family. I donít understand why she canít see my side of things?
Why should we put aside our beliefs just because the Dark Lord failed? We had these beliefs before he came and commanded our loyalty. She was always disappointed in her sisterís choice. And now? Sheís spending time in the womanís home? Embracing that little half-breed of a child?
Sheís going too far to keep up appearances. No matter how much she denies her change of heart, I simply canít believe it. I wonít.
1 August 1998
No return owl from Granger yet.
If you are reading this, you bitch, I expect a reply to my owl.
3 August 1998
Granger never replied to my owl, and she showed up here as if sheíd done nothing wrong. I explained that I didnít appreciate being ignored. I even asked if reading my entries gave her great pleasure.
She claims that she doesnít read what I say but only looks to make sure Iím writing something. I donít know that I believe that, no matter how earnest she tried to appear. Supposedly, she uses a charm that reassures her I am typing real words that are not gibberish or redundant.
And the questions she kept asking me today! I told her to mind her own business several times. That didnít work of course. She seemed to take pleasure in pointing out that my life was her business, and if I didnít answer her questions, sheíd have to report that back to the Wizengamot.
7 August 1998
Teddy Lupin is a right little pest. Can you believe Narcissa had the nerve to invite Andromeda and the brat here for dinner? Then they stayed the night. I donít remember Draco crying so much during the night at that age.
15 August 1998
Doddhopper has just left. It seems he wants to include me in an investment. I am thinking about it. What better way to
18 August 1998
Draco wants to move out.
I wonít allow it.
22 August 1998
Draco is gone. Heís got a flat in London.
Yes, I did
Are you reading this, Granger? How do you feel about my misery? Does it excite you? Does it make you feel as though you are better than me? That you are important?
29 August 1998
Have a meeting with my
2 September 1998
Granger just left. She feels that Iíve not been writing as much as I should and said that the word counts have been down lately. I just donít bloody feel like writing. Thereís not much to say that wonít be redundant. Iím still disappointed that Dracoís moved out, and heís only sent one owl.
One owl in ten days.
Narcissaís been able to visit him, and she says his flat is quaint.
3 September 1998
Look, Granger, two days in a row. This should go towards my word count, right? Oh, yes, thatís true. You donít really read these. Then let me just say that I find you completely infuriating, and I still donít appreciate the way you look at meóas if I am nothing.
You know deep down that I am an impressive man.
8 September 1998
I received an owl today from Harry Potter.
Can you believe it? He wants to meet with me. Iíve replied and told him that I will have to check my schedule. Naturally, thatís not true. I donít have a damn thing lined up. Itís times like these that I miss Severus and his wit.
If he had lived, heíd have come to see me and wouldnít have expected anything in return.
9 September 1998
Potter has just left. He took it upon himself to simply show up unannounced. I told him as much when I saw him, but the information he gave me was quite helpful.
It seems that he got wind of an investigation of Ministry employees. Doddhopper happens to be one of them. It seems the little venture he wanted me to invest in was illegal. I had
I asked him why he thought to inform me. He said so I could cut ties with the man and that it was the least he could do for the help Narcissa gave him. He didnít want to see our family go through any more trouble that was unwarranted. He fully believed that I didnít know Doddhopperís full plans and asked that I tell no one about his warning.
Yes, this means Iím grateful to Potter, but that doesnít mean Iíll be inviting him over for tea anytime soon. Itís bad enough his friend Granger has access to me and my home once a month.
And so, this is what it feels like to be used. Interesting. Doddhopper will pay for this. Er, by legal means of course
14 September 1998
Ha! I received an owl from Doddhopper asking me to reconsider my decision to not give him any Galleons for investment in his project. I replied that I would not change my mind.
If he gets caught and sent to Azkaban for his little scheme, I expect that will be revenge enough for me. Heíll think twice before using a Malfoy again.
18 September 1998
Doddhopperís been arrested.
Ah, what a great way to start the day. Now to call my house-elf. I think Iíll have a full breakfast in celebration.
24 September 1998
Draco came by to visit today, and he told me that heís been using his time away from home to rethink his life. I can appreciate that, as Iíve been doing some of that myself. He said that he understands what I went through and forgives me for things that have happened in the past. He hopes we can build a better relationship in the future and leave the past where it belongs.
I donít recall asking for his forgiveness.
What was so bad in our relationship that he feels we need to start a new one?
Iíve never once done anything without considering my family first. Narcissa now acts as though sheís been the one making sacrifices and handling things for the past twenty years. And hereís my son saying this to me.
I donít know what to think. I was so shocked, I simply stood and left the room.
1 October 1998
I think I may owl Draco. Heís not been back since, nor has he sent any owls (not even to his mother). Thatís not like him.
3 October 1998
Cissy blames me for Dracoís estrangement.
Just something else to add to my list of fuck-ups. My, I sound more like Severus every day. Shall I become dour as well?
Am I already?
9 October 1998
Iíve owled Draco and told him that I want very much to have him in my life.
16 October 1998
Well, Granger has just left. I was unprepared for her visit, as she sent me no owl. She claims she did, of course, but I never saw any letter from her. Imagine my surprise when she strolled into my office bright and earlyÖ with me still in my nightclothes.
And she wouldnít allow me to change either. Said she had another appointment and was in a hurry. It appears Potter let slip to her that I made ďan excellent decisionĒ that could have been bad for my family if Iíd gone another way. It also seems like he left out the fact that he warned me about it. She says that this goes a long way in proving that I am attempting to be a ďreformed citizen.Ē
If thatís what sheíd like to think, so be it. If it gets the Ministry out of my hair soon, Iíll be grateful. Itís been what? Four months now?
Only two more to go before I will be able to leave my home?
23 October 1998
Draco came for dinner tonight, and I canít remember the last time Iíve ever been this happy. It seemed as though we were a real family again, like those years when the Dark Lord remained in hiding. Pansy and Draco have decided that the relationship they were working on will not work out. Iím sad to see that it wonít. Sheís from a good family, but I want my son to have a happy marriage.
I remember back when I began courting Narcissa. Our families were pushing the issue, and I wanted to dislike her because of it. However, it only took one evening with her to realize that it was a match I also approved ofómost readily. She was just as lovely then as she is now.
1 November 1998
When I said I wanted to get out of my house, I didnít mean that I wanted to be escorted back to the bloody Ministry and tossed into that damn chamber again for violating my parole agreement. I hadnít realized that Iíd missed my weekly journal update. And I heard no buzzing or saw any vibrations of warning from the book either! They say that this is my last chance and only because Granger showed upóhours later than necessary by the wayóand asked them to be lenient this one last time.
Theyíve added more time to my house arrest because of this. Damn it! I wonít be able to leave for Christmas as weíd planned. Narcissa is disappointed and is threatening to go without me. Iíll be damned if Iíll spend Christmas alone with only the house-elves for company.
Anyway, Iíve given Granger my oath that Iíll not forget again. She was quite adamant about it and seemed annoyed that Iíd interrupted her evening. It seems surreal that a Muggle-born can act so haughty. I do think my inconvenience amounts to more than hers!
5 November 1998
Narcissa wants a divorce.
8 November 1998
She still wants to leave me.
10 November 1998
How can any woman want to leave a Malfoy? I donít understand. Iíve asked if itís another man, and she says that there is no one else, but these last few months ďcooped upĒ in the house with me has shown her that she wants more out of life.
I pointed out that sheís been anything but cooped up. Sheís rarely here and hasnít minded popping off to spend several days away at a time. Sheís serious about this though, and it seems she wonít be deterred.
Draco came round today to see how Iím taking it. He says he doesnít want us to separate, but he can see that sheís miserableóand that I am as well.
The only damn reason Iím miserable is because I am not allowed to leave my home (unless Iím being carted off to the Ministry), and I have to do things against my will (writing in this journal for one, meeting with Granger for another). All this would change once the restrictions are lifted.
Neither seem to understand that.
Cissy will be moving in with her sister as of this weekend.
I guess I shall be alone for Christmas after allóunless Draco spends some of the day with me at least.
16 November 1998
As luck would have it, Granger appeared for our monthly meeting just as Narcissa opened the door to leave our home for the last timeóunplanned once again. The women were cordial to each other, and it sickened me to watch Narcissa ďmake niceĒ with the Mudblood.
Was it not only year before last that she had called the girl scum and had refused to shop any place the girl had been in?
I remember that outing well, for Cissy came directly to Azkaban to rant about the disrespect Potter and his friends had shown her.
After Cissy left, with a cool wave of her fingers and nothing more, I was alone with Granger, and the bint had the audacity to look at me with pity. I told her as much and told her to get the hell out of my house.
She left, saying she understood that I might need time, but she pointed out that sheíd be back in a few days. I slammed the door in her face.
19 November 1998
I had dinner with Parkinson tonight. He said that Draco told Pansy about Narcissaís leaving, so he thought heíd come over to make sure I was all right. Right nice of him. Iím glad to know that I still have some friends in this world. He told me something interesting. He said heíd owled me several times but had never received a reply. He said others mentioned my not replying to them either.
Maybe Granger was telling the truth about owling to let me know of her appointment times. Why would I not be getting my owls? Is the Ministry going through them?
Thereís one person I feel I can ask who may give me an honest answer, though I canít believe Iím going to owl him for a favor. However, I believe that Potter will be in the know if someoneís monitoring me.
And if they are, how thick can they get? Wouldnít they think that Iíd catch on to not getting owls? Iíve always received letters and invitationsóuntil now. Here I thought I was being avoided, but thatís obviously not the case.
22 November 1998
Potter has heard nothing but will find out.
27 November 1998
Bozzy admitted todayóaccidentallyóthat he has a drawer full of letters that are addressed to me. After he hit himself with a lamp a few times, I demanded that he explain.
It seems that the Ministry wasnít involved with intercepting my mail at all. My dear
Iíve sent her an owl insisting that she come at once and answer my questions. Why would she do this to me after all Iíve done for her and my son?
Iíd felt quite low and thought that my old friends wanted nothing to do with me. I thought Granger had been purposely showing up without writing. I thought a lot of things.
There are several inquiries as to my health, many invitations and requests to see meÖ
3 December 1998
I thought I might write something before I get carted off to Azkaban again and then landed in counseling sessions. What shall I write?
Draco spent the day here yesterday and seemed reluctant to leave. I
Oh, thatís right. Iíve not written about that yet.
Narcissa was behind my missing owls the entire time and claims she did so because she feared I would go back to my ďold waysĒ and ruin the family image once again. She screened my owls at first, only letting certain ones through, but as she became busy, she hadnít the time. She thought it might humble me to think Iíd been forgotten.
Sheís not the woman I thought her to be. My days of wishing for her return to the manor are gone. How dare she think to police my owls like some Auror? I am a grown man. I am a Malfoy. Of course I worry about my image and loathe that it was somewhat tarnished in all of this; however, I will not go through the lengths she is to be in the limelight and to mix with those beneath me.
Granger will be here tomorrow, as per her latest owl.
She annoys me. How can she be so positive all the time?
Come to that, why does she seem to believe in me when my own wife cannot?
Make that my Ex-wife. Iíve sent for my lawyer to meet with me later this week. Weíll come to some agreement, Iím sure, and Iíll be a free man soon enough.
4 December 1998
Granger has just left, yet I can still smell the scent of her perfume lingering in the air here. She claims that she had a date to go to after our meeting. For a Mudblood, sheís
I hate this journal.
Canít a manís thoughts not be twisted so?
Well, all right. I suppose if Iím to be honest, I do find her attractive: in a young, fresh sort of way. What man wouldnít? If only she would be a pureblood, I might woo her just to have something to flaunt in Narcissaís face.
Hmm. Thereís a thought. Once our divorce is finalóand Iím out of this bloody house arrestóIíll be on the prowl for a replacement. Iíll not get married again, but to be seen about doing ďgood deedsĒ in public with a fetching young witch on my arm?
8 December 1998
Things are in order.
10 December 1998
Draco keeps popping round to check in on me. I do play it up some when heís about.
14 December 1998
15 December 1998
My divorce can be final within days since Cissy and I have lived apart for a month. We need only to settle on funds. Iím glad that she isnít wanting much from me, considering she has all the Black moneyóBellaís, hers, and Andromedaís share. Oh, thatís right. She reimbursed her sister for her share. No matter.
21 December 1998
I am a free man. Pity Iím not allowed to leave my home, else Iíd be out celebrating.
24 December 1998
Draco has promised to stop by to share Christmas luncheon with me before going to meet his mother and aunt.
25 December 1998
Granger has just left! She claims to have come by to warn me that I need to write more than little ďone linersĒ as journal entries. If I didnít know better, I might be suspicious that she was here to check up on me for Christmas. Of course, sheís one of those classic do-gooder types, always pitying and meddling in othersí affairs.
She brought a tin of biscuits over however. I donít know that she does that for everyone.
In fact, does she mediate for anyone else? Iíve not asked.
28 December 1998
Wouldnít Cissy be humiliated if she were replaced with a Mudblood? What a slap in the face that would be. I shall have to ponder on this. I donít want to sully myself, and yet, for someone like, say, Granger, I might be willing to do just that.
31 December 1998
I sent an owl to invite Granger over for champagne. She promptly replied to deny. Bitch. What other plans could be more important that visiting with a Malfoy?
2 January 1999
So, another year has come, has it? I do find it
I had many visitors yesterdayóall were eager to dine with me (except Granger, who again denied a visit with me).
Not that I really thought sheíd accept, mind.
9 January 1999
Today would have been Severusí 40th birthday. I drank enough for the both of us.
Wherever you are, my friend, I hope you are happier than you were when you were with us.
Ah, an owl from Granger. Sheíll be joining me for my monthly chat tomorrow.
10 January 1999
I was very charming todayópolite, dressed impeccably, a pleasant hostóand did this impress her at all?
How is she immune to me when so many others fall at my feet?
14 January 1999
Narcissa stopped by today with her sister and the little brat in tow. They took away more of her things, but I think that will about do it. Good riddance. She seemed curious as to what I might do once I am free to leave the houseóeven had the nerve to extend an invitation for tea.
I declined of course. Sheís chosen her life, so I think she needs to let me get on with mine. I do suppose itís somewhat comforting that she still cares,
19 January 1999
Iím still trying to work out this puzzle that is Granger. She remains unaffected by my charming ways. Surely I possess much more than that Weasley boy does. Why, those spots on his face make him look as though heís got some sort of pox. My complexion and face, on the other hand, is unblemished and smooth. His hair (in a multitude of red and orange hues) falls to his shoulders but is ragged and split while mine falls down my back in a smooth, silky sheet of pale blond. Heís such a gangly fellow while my weight fits perfectly with my height.
What does she see in him?
Perhaps I shall question Draco again. Hopefully, he wonít be suspicious. Not that there is much to be suspicious of, mind.
22 January 1999
So the way to gain Grangerís eye is by doing good deeds. Maybe Cissy was on to something then. What could I do that would be considered a good deed? Something she would approve of?
Ah, Iíve just the thing.
24 January 1999
Iíve just owled Granger to pass an idea by her. I told her that in order to help make amends for my past deeds, I decided to create a fund at Gringotts for magical beings (house-elves, werewolves, half-giants, etc.). I canít wait to read her reply. I think house-elves should continue to work as they have been, but I suppose giving them a day off now and then wouldnít be amiss, nor would a Sickle or two here and there. Most wonít accept that anyway. Itís something she tried to champion at Hogwarts once.
Werewolves. Disgusting creatures. Iíll never forget the stench of Fenrirís breath. I can admit, however, that some of them arenít as bitter as he. The man was a menace. I caught him leering at Draco more than once.
Hmmm. If memory serves me correctly, he wanted to have Miss Granger to himself after Bella finished questioning her. Perhaps this isnít a grand idea after all. Well, of course it is. Itís MY idea. And besides, Lupin was a friend to Potter and Granger, and he was a werewolf. There. Thatíll be the kicker.
Draco did mention that sheíd slapped him once when heíd made a crude comment about
Yes, all things she cares for. All things I am aiming to help.
Sheíll be eating out of my hands soon enough.
25 January 1999
Granger herself came to the manor to say that my idea is splendid. She plans to bring ďourĒ cause before the Ministry shortly.
Oh, and she smiled at me the entire time she was here (all ten minutes). While she denied the invite to take tea with me, I can still tell that Iíve won points in getting in her good graces.
Perhaps the little
Hang on. Why was that scratched out? Is it possible Iíve stopped seeing her as a Mudblood?
So I have.
Perhaps she is adopted. That would explain a lot. Sheís quite inventive. Very intriguing.
A Malfoy always gets what he wants. Look out, Miss Granger. I shall have you.
And I canít wait to see the look on Cissyís face when I do.
30 January 1999
Today is my second to last day of house arrest. I still have to write in my journal for the time being (four and a half more years), but at least Iíll be able to get out of the manor. Iíve already got plans for 1 February. Iím meeting Parkinson at the Greengrass Pub. That should be an acceptable first outing.
31 January 1999
Interestingly enough, Granger stopped by tonight. She went on about how sheís proud that I seem to be changing for the better and how excited she was to be heading the trust for lesser magical creatures. She finally agreed to have a drink of wine with me, though she only took one sip and then departed, saying she had other plans.
1 February 1999
How sweet freedom is! Parkinson surprised me by inviting many of our old friends to the pub to celebrate my freedom. It felt good to be back in the swing of things. Draco was there as well. How proud I am of him these days. Heís really doing well for us and bringing respect back to our name.
Narcissa wasnít about, thankfully, but Iím sure sheíll be seeing the photos in tonightís Evening Prophet.
I wonder what Granger will think when she sees them.
Granger. I will be meeting with her in just over a weekóso she can check my progress in society now that Iím a free man again. I guarantee sheíll find nothing to criticize, for Iím already making plans of my own.
6 February 1999
Iíve asked Draco for help. I havenít been open with him, but I did tell him that I wanted to know more about Grangerís relationship with Weasley. He says heíll be able to find out something soon enough and expects to have answers of his own. Iíll think up something to tell him. I just hope he doesnít suspect that I plan to seduce the girl.
For seduce her, I shall.
12 February 1999
Draco has told me that Granger is NOT seeing Weasley. He said that the boy is now seeing an old flame from Hogwarts while the girl is single and focusing on her work.
I am her work. Therefore, it seems that I am more important to her than Weasleyóin a roundabout way.
This is encouraging.
14 February 1999
I sent Granger a singing owl to wish her a happy St. Valentineís Dayóanonymously of course. I made sure to leave a few clues as to whom it was from, but I donít know that sheíll draw the conclusions right away.
15 February 1999
What the deuce?
Narcissa sent me a letter today to say how proud of me she is and how sheíd like to come round for tea soon to catch up.
Iíve replied that I have a full schedule.
21 February 1999
I had dinner at the Greengrass Pub tonight. Imagine my surprise when Draco walked in with young Astoria Greengrass on his arm. The girl is only a year younger than he (and still attending her last year at Hogwarts), but it was a shock all the same. Her older sister, Daphne, is his age.
She has a lovely smile, and I can see why he would skip over her sister to look at her instead, and sheís made much more delicately than Pansy. I asked if he was serious about Astoria, and he claims that he isósomething about her being there for him when he needed someone to talk to at Hogwarts while our past associates were there.
That canít have been pleasant for him.
I find that I am happy for him, and what has pleased me most is that Narcissa doesnít know about it yet. She always doted on Pansy and wanted a match between them, so he fears she may not take this well.
26 February 1999
Granger sent me an owl today. I think sheís figured out that I am behind the card. And the anonymously sent roses.
I shouldnít have sent those. That was just
3 March 1999
Draco has informed me that he ran into Granger at the Ministry. It seems that she asked about me.
9 March 1999
Will I ever let go of this pride?
Doubtful. Very doubtful.
It doesnít matter anyway. I want to seduce the girl. I want to have her on my arm at a Ministry function for all to see, especially Narcissa.
15 March 1999
Granger invited me out to tea to discuss the funding for ďourĒ project. The poor girl bored me with several feet of parchment, outlining ideas and plans for the funds. I told her she could have more funds when she needs them, and she seemed genuinely surprised.
Iíve told her that I have other ideas as well and that she should discuss them with me over dinner one night. She has agreed. Neither of us will be free for a week, so weíve set the date for then.
All I need to do now is think up something that she might approve of. Shouldnít be too hard.
I again denied any knowledge of flowers being sent to her.
22 March 1999
I nearly laid all my cards out on the table tonight, but thankfully, self-preservation kicked in. Whatís got into me? Why am I so fascinated with her of all people? She ignores any flirtatious comment that I might give and boldly marches on with something else.
What I donít understand is why she wouldnít be attracted to me? Is it the age difference? I certainly donít look my age and wonít for a long while.
I could have anyone.
Hmmm. There we are then.
I canít, can I?
I canít have her. Thatís why I want her. Thatís why sheís so enticing.
How bloody frustrating!
Anonymous flowers donít work, and sheís hinted that they cause more trouble than they are worth (nosey questions from others). I wonder if she would prefer gifts? What would be a perfect gift for this young woman who isnít interested in me sexually? What would sway her?
28 March 1999
Draco has come through again. Iíve got the answer to the Granger riddle.
Would you believe the answer isÖ drum roll pleaseÖ my library?
I can feel the feral grin spreading on my face now. I shall have her exactly where I want her.
3 April 1999
Do you know, Iíve not thought of Narcissa for days now? I believe the only reason I am doing so now is because I happened to notice the date on the calendar. It would have been our anniversary.
8 April 1999
There was an interesting article in the paper todayÖ written by Rita Skeeter. It seems
Ah, hereís an owl from my little bookworm now.
Oh, yes, sheís quite indignant. Wants to Floo over to discuss this ďrubbishĒ Rita is insinuating.
12 April 1999
Hermione has been interviewed by The Quibbler. Next month there will be a nice article about the work she and I are doing for the wizarding world and those less fortunate creatures.
I say this is working out better than I could have thought possible. Her annoyance at Skeeterís meddling has brought us even closer, and I do believe she flirted with me earlier.
Thatís right. I mentioned the blouse she had on was becoming, and she blushed quite nicely before saying something about ďbecomingĒ under her breath.
Iíd prefer to think she made a sexual innuendo, but as she wouldnít repeat herself, I may never know.
15 April 1999
How does one describe a kiss?
Tonight in the library as I reached up for a book that she couldnít quite get her fingers on, I was presented with the perfect opportunity for a first kiss. She was pressed against the shelf with my chest against hers as I leaned into her to get the book.
As my fingers brushed the bookís spine, I happened to look down into her wide eyes and noticed she was a little breathless. My lips migrated south, hers north. The kiss was light and teasing for a moment, but then my primal nature took over, and I had to have more of her.
My other hand came up to cradle her face in my palm while I positioned my lips and deepened the kiss, which was tantalizing. Itís either been too long since Iíve been kissed or thereís a true spark between us.
I wanted to do more exploring, but it seemed that Iíd forgotten the book entirely. Once I removed my hand, it slipped off the shelf and onto my head, leaving me with a sizable knot.
I believe, however, that it worked to my advantage, for she hurried me over to a nearby chair and fretted over it, using her wand to soothe me. It all happened very quickly, and she fled as soon as she was certain Iíd not pass out. It was quite awkward.
Have I frightened her off? I do hope not. I want to explore that mouth of hers again.
22 April 1999
Itís been a week, and Iíve not seen Hermione. She owled to say sheís been busy with work and will visit again soon.
27 April 1999
Draco suggested that I owl her and ask up front if I overstepped my boundaries. I may do so, but to ask such a thing it to admit to too much.
1 May 1999
Iíve done it. Sent the owl.
2 May 1999
Hermione hasnít replied yet. Iím no fool. I can tell when Iím being avoided. What am I doing sitting around waiting for her owl? This is ridiculous. Iím going to go out, have a few drinks, and possibly get shagged.
I think thatís the whole problem, you know.
Itís simply been too long that Iíve gone without. Itís the only logical explanation as to why Iím so drawn to her.
3 May 1999
What an idiot Iíve been.
Yesterday was the one-year anniversary of the Dark Lordís death. There were parties abound last night. Some people actually glared at me for being what I am while others were more forgiving.
I left as quickly as I could. Itís no wonder sheís not been coming by. Sheís been with the Weasley family and Potter. Theyíve been honoring those whoíve passed on.
No wonder I had so many invites over the past week.
This has got to stop. Sheís clouding my judgment. Iím not seeing the forest for the trees lately.
How has this happened?
9 May 1999
Hermione has just left. She came to ME for a shoulder to lean on. Encouraging, that. It seems the matriarch of the Weasley family has been leaning heavily on her. The young Weasley boy she used to be interested in is now trying to date her again, but she says sheís moved past that point in her life, but Potter thinks itís a good idea.
Everyone is pressuring her.
So what did I do?
I offered a bit of pressuring of my own.
How so? I offered her an escape.
I asked if sheíd like to leave England for a few days to get away from it all. She will send her reply to me in the morning.
14 May 1999
She declined my offer, using work as an excuse.
I must admit that I am let down. She has, however, asked for it to remain a possibility in the future.
That more than anything gives me hope.
Hope? What a sap Iíve turned into?
Next thing you know, Iíll be pulling a Severus and pining away outside the girlís home.
20 May 1999
Draco wants to ask Astoria to marry him as soon as she gets out of school. Iíve told him not to rush. His mother, he says, has told him the same.
Speaking of his mother, he says that sheís had a date with someone.
Interestingly enough, this does not bother me in the least.
I also no longer care what she thinks of my collaborating with Hermione, which the press enjoys printing rumors about.
26 May 1999
I kissed Hermione again.
Rather, she kissed me.
I donít know quite what to make of it. In one moment, we were debating issues dealing with vampiresí rights, and the next moment, she was pushing me back against my chair and climbing up onto my lap to kiss me.
This kiss didnít end for eons it seemed.
And there was no book to fall and break us apart, thankfully.
But then she fled again.
What sort of schoolgirl rubbish is this? How can she turn a man on in such a way and then simply leave?
1 June 1999
I believe Iíve got her figured out.
Sheís never had a man of my caliber interested in her. Of course she would be worried about knowing how to please me. Iím sure anything kept Weasley occupied, but sheís bright enough to know the difference between that boy and me.
So instead of staying and possibly failing, she flees.
Yes, that sounds about right.
I would hate to think that sheís a tease.
6 June 1999
I have formally asked Hermione to dinner at the Greengrass Pubóas a real date, no misunderstanding my intentions, no pretenses of work, no mediator relationshipÖ just us. A man and a woman having dinner.
8 June 1999
Sheís placed all her cards on the table.
She is attracted to me. She doesnít want to be. Yet she does.
Sheís never been intimate with anyoneónot completely anywayóbut when sheís alone with me, she thinks about it and it frightens her.
Bloody hell. Sheís never had sex.
I had no idea.
Apparently there still are nineteen-year-old virgins in England. In fact, sheís nearly twenty.
Luckily for me sheís been more interested in education and other things, eh?
Imagine what a gift sheíll be giving me.
Or imagine the gift I shall give her.
I wonít be some fumbling boy but a man who knows what to do with every inch of her body.
Good Lord, but Iím hard thinking about it. Tsk. Tsk.
This means my plans for taking her against the wall of the library where we spend most of our time is out for now. Oh, how I fantasized about that: passionate sex against the nearest wall, so needy and hot that our clothes are partially torn off.
15 June 1999
Hermione mentioned taking that small holiday with me. Iíve made plans for us to be gone next week.
22 June 1999
Iíve just realized that itís been a year since I first wrote in this journal. Iíve had quite a journey, havenít I? So many things in my life have changed. Perhaps this wasnít such a bad idea after all, for I can go back and read through my earlier entries and see how Iíve grown as a man, see how my feelings for Hermione have developed as well.
I care for her deeply, and I showed her just how much last night when I made love to her for the first time. This holiday was the best idea possible. I couldnít imagine a more perfect setting than to have a sea breeze blowing in through the windows of our rented cottage and hearing the waves slap against the shore noisily as we explored each other for the first time.
Life is good. Thatís a phrase that I can finally say and mean. Nothing is hovering over us. No one is pulling any strings.
Had anyone said Iíd be right here a year ago, Iíd have thought the person a nutter. As it is, Iím right where I want to be and where I belong.
With Hermione Granger.
This was written for midnight_birth during the LMHG exchange on Live Journal. Her requests were:
~ EWE (after Hogwarts and the war)
~ Keep Lucius as we know him (no poverty or Azkaban)
~ Make Lucius wants Hermione but have him not want to mix with a Mudblood
~ When he realizes she doesnít want him, he sheds his pride and pursues her with cunning (always getting what he wants in the end)
~ A grudgingly helpful Draco is a huge bonus
A Malfoy's Rumination by Southern_Witch_69
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