Chapter 1

A/N: AU, AU, AU! No, no. Not the chemical symbol for gold, but Alternate Universe! This is intended strictly as a joke, parody, and satire. I own neither the characters nor plots of the Potterverse, nor inspiring tale of the Full Monty. iPod is a product of the Apple Corporation, and all songs belong to their respective artists. That said, enjoy and review!

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Lucius Malfoy's shoulders bobbed rhythmically as he swung his hips and thrust his pelvis forward, gyrating to some music that was, in Snape's view, completely imaginary.

"Malfoy, cease that ridiculous undulating. We're here to look for scrap marble." Snape brushed a greasy lock of hair from his eyes and glanced back behind them. "Toby! Don't dawdle."

The small boy hastened forward, his own greasy hair falling in his face, mercifully covering his rather large front teeth. "Dad! I was looking for the Pensieve!"

Lucius turned his cold grey eyes upon his companion. "It's not ridiculous undulating, you uncultured fool. I found it on a Muggle one night after a raid. Bloody useful, this. It's like a Wizarding Wireless you can fit in your trousers."

"No one cares what you've got in your trousers, Lucius, least of all me." Snape picked up a bit of tawny marble from the floor. "I expect this'll fetch a few Sickles in Knockturn Alley. Toby, bring the sack!"

Sullenly, the boy shuffled forward and held out a cloth bag. "This is stupid. No one else's dad drags them around a crappy old ruin."

The Second War had not been kind to the Wizarding World. Though the Light Side had eventually prevailed, it had taken years of toil and losses on both sides. Wizards everywhere were plunged into poverty, even Lucius Malfoy, who had used his last vault at Gringotts to escape the Dark Lord's punishment for losing the prophecy. Hogwarts had closed after Dumbledore's death, though it was used as a headquarters by both sides at various times before being left to molder. No one, it seemed, had the Galleons required to reopen it or the patience to replace half the staff. For his part, Snape received ten Galleons a month on the Wizard's dole and currently occupied a grotty flat in Knockturn Alley.

"Silence, Toby." Snape glowered at his son, but to no avail. Bloody hell, he thought silently, that look used to never fail when I was the fucking Potions master.

"They call it an iPod. Plays all sorts of Muggle music," Lucius continued blithely as though Snape had never spoken. He pulled out the white earbuds, tangling them in his long blond hair. "Blast. A hand, Severus?"

Snape pointedly ignored him and began to lead the trio to the entrance hall where Lucius, so engrossed in removing the tangled wires from his mane, tripped and fell over a suit of armor that was lying supine on the cold floor.

Severus did indeed offer him a hand then, but Malfoy ignored him, choosing to lie weakly upon his back and stare up into his friend's dark eyes. "Fuck it all, Snape, I used to be a Malfoy. My whole fucking life... And now here I am, salvaging bits of Hogwarts for a few spare Sickles."

"Spare me the sorrow festival, Lucius," snapped Snape. "Do you think I enjoy destroying every last shred of my dignity? I, the Half-blood Prince! I, who once ruled the dungeons as Potions master! Striking fear into the hearts of all who crossed me..."

"Dad, shut up! The security guard is back," Toby interjected. Faintly, the men heard footsteps that grew closer and closer.

"Fuck, what now?" Lucius had returned to an upright position. "There's still that bloody Anti-Apparation charm on this damned place."

"Use your fucking legs, you useless aristocrat." Snape broke into a run, tatty black robes flapping at his ankles. Toby, having thrown aside the bag of marble, and Lucius soon followed him, not slowing until they reached Hogsmeade.

Pausing beside Madam Puddifoot's to catch their respective breaths, Snape ground out, "Toby, where's the sack?"

"I left it in the castle. I had to run away."

"Bloody hell, boy! You can't get a criminal record till you're of age," growled Snape.

"What, it's not my fault you're a witless loser who can't get a proper job." Toby mimicked his mother perfectly.

"Shall we go for a drink? I'm a bit anxious to see Rosmerta," Lucius cut in quickly. "Come on, Severus, you look like you could use a bit of Firewhisky."

"Fine, fine," agreed Snape idly with a lazy wave of his hand.

They set off for the pub, but were soon dismayed by the shrill sound of feminine screaming that pierced the air outside the Three Broomsticks.

"Oh, Gilderoy!" shrieked one besotted witch. "I've got my Floo address on the left cup! Hope you like the size!" A lacy red bra sailed through the air, over the long queue that wound up the street and into the pub.

"Make love to me, Sirius!" squealed a young witch in a violent purple robe.

Raucous music began to pour forth from the building, an incessant, pounding beat, and the women within raised their strident pitch.

"What the bloody hell is this?" grumbled Snape irritably, pulling a poster from the brick wall beside them.

One night only!

Women only.

"Bloody emasculating, that. For us, I mean." Lucius gestured to the poster that Snape had promptly torn in two. "I'd have killed Narcissa if she'd set foot in this company. Runespoors, indeed."

"Hey!" Toby tugged on his father's sleeve. "It's Mum!"

Snape's greasy head snapped up, sallow face turning toward the entrance, where he saw a head of bushy hair disappear into the pub. "Damn and blast."

"Ah, your ex-wife," drawled Malfoy, clearly enjoying himself. "What an interesting turn."

"Estranged wife," corrected Snape through gritted teeth. "There's been no talk of divorce."

Lucius smirked. "Perhaps. But that's only because she won't speak to you."

"That does it. We're going in," said Severus decisively. "Go around to the side, the blokes' loo has a low window." He moved stealthily toward the shadowy alleyway, Toby and Lucius in tow. Snape struggled through the small opening first, hoisting his son in after him. Malfoy bluntly refused to lower himself any further and, ironically, remained outside to guard the bathroom window.

"Now." Snape knelt down to the small boy's level. "You listen to me, Tobias Severus Snape. Go out there and find your mother. Tell her to come to the Gent's."

Raising a skeptical eyebrow, Toby departed, but no sooner had he left, than a trio of cackling hens swung open the door to the powder room, barely giving Snape time to lock himself in the stall. Cautiously, he peered through the crack between the stall door and its frame and was loathe to see Hermione, attired in a shiny red halter-top, trading lipsticks with Ginny Potter and Fleur Weasley.

"Beel eez een top form tonight," sighed Fleur. "Ee eez such a good dancer."

Hermione giggled. "But that Lockhart isn't doing too badly. He may not remember his own name, but he has no trouble getting his G-string filled up with Galleons!"

Snape clenched his fists in fury. So she fancies Lockhart, does she? That fucking pansy can't even do a bloody Levitating Spell.

"And the way Sirius shakes his arse, you'd never realize he was a ghost!" Ginny put in leeringly. After a few more lascivious comments, the three women danced back to their table. As Toby hadn't returned, Snape ducked out, casting a Disillusionment Charm on himself and quickly found the boy staring in open-mouthed shock at the fancifully lit stage of gyrating male bodies, nude save for a skimpy G-string. Dragging his son back through the loo and out the window, they joined Lucius in the alley.

"So?" queried the aristocrat boredly.

"Ah, fuck it, Malfoy, she's in there fancying other blokes. What chance've I got next to Lockhart and his bum of steel?"

"Mum thinks you're a loser," Toby spoke up helpfully. "She says you gave up after the war!"

"Quiet, you. We'd best be getting back," he said, speaking once again to Malfoy. Leading Toby down the street, he found a quiet place and Apparated the both of them back to Knockturn Alley.

* * *

"So there you fucking are. Late as usual, of course." Hermione had barely opened the door before she began her usual lecture. "Merlin knows what kind of shit time you showed him this weekend. Out stealing things from Hogwarts with Malfoy again, were you? Or making the boy wait outside while you visit prostitutes..."

"I've never done that," he interrupted. "He had fun. He always does with me; I'm his father."

Hermione said nothing, but arranged her features into the most dubious expression she could muster.

"I'll be back next Friday, then," he said civilly.

"Oh, no, you bloody won't," she said waspishly, "not unless you can scrape together seventy-five Galleons by then."

"I beg your pardon?" He stared into her russet-colored eyes. "You're charging me to see my son?"

"Not me." She smirked. "The Ministry of Magic. I got an owl this morning. Seventy-five Galleons of back child support you owe. Seventy-five Galleons!"

He narrowed his gaze. "I heard you the first time. Salazar's balls, Hermione, he's ten years old. He needs a man to look up to."

"Yes, but I'd rather prefer he look up to someone with a job and a proper flat." She held his gaze for several minutes before adding helplessly, "Fucking hell, Severus, you're a brilliant wizard. You could at least try. If not for me, then for Toby."

"If not for you?" he repeated slowly. "I believe it was you who kicked me out, Hermione."

She snorted. "Well, it was obvious you didn't want to be married to me anymore."

"I didn't? News to me, and," he added in a low voice, leaning toward her slightly, "we are still married, Hermione. I, for one, haven't forgotten."

"Sure." Her voice was deeply sarcastic. "That's why you waste every single day at the bloody job agency playing Gobstones with your loser friends instead of looking for a fucking job! The war ended five years ago; that's no excuse anymore."

"Well, that's the reason our boy won't be going to Hogwarts next year. He'll be at Horace Slughorn's Magic School in a bloody attic, paying his tuition in candied pineapple!" Snape knew that he had outwitted her when she slammed the door in his pallid face without another word.

*End Note: This gets funnier (I hope), but I had to set the stage a little with some semi-serious bits. Thanks for beta-ing, Andman!!*